An Open Letter

My dearest MC,

It’s hard to believe how fast time is flying by.  Yesterday, you turned 20 weeks old – and just one week from today I will return to work after these 5 precious months of maternity leave.  This time has loomed over me since before you were even born.  The day I leave you and return to the grueling hours of my job as the primary breadwinner in our little family.  You probably don’t even remember, but you were only 6 or so weeks old when I first looked into your eyes and explained why mommy was going to have to go back to work one day.  As that day has gotten closer, I’m sure you’ve noticed those nights that I’ve cried quietly while I nursed you to sleep.  I’ll even admit, there have been days when I’ve almost wanted that first day to come and go so that the bandaid is ripped off and we can get on with our lives.  To give myself permission to look forward to something beyond your 5th month in this world.  To give myself permission to be okay.

I’ve done everything I could to prepare – arranging to telecommute at times when work permits, sticking to a running regimen in the evenings after you go to bed so that I have lots of energy for our mornings together.  We’re also so blessed with your wonderful grammy and grandpa, who were such amazing parents to me and who committed to providing your daycare long before you were even conceived.  Knowing that you will be in the care of two people that love you as much as daddy and mommy do is helping mommy to hold it together these days.

So today, and from this point forward, for the good of all of us, I give myself permission to be okay.  To look forward to this next stage in our life together.  To be able to look forward to things beyond these first five months and continue to enjoy the little boy that you are becoming.

I’ve been writing this letter in my head for awhile now – and there’s so much more that I could say.  But what I’ve written here is the heart of it.  For months I’ve been afraid to let myself be okay with my return to work – as though being at peace with this next step in our lives could somehow be a betrayal to you.  But at the end of the day I’m proud of what I’m doing right now to support our family and I feel so blessed to have my happy, healthy little boy to share this next stage with.

MC, you are my world.  You have changed my life in more ways than you could ever know or I could ever have imagined.  Since before you were born, I have done only what I thought would be the best thing for the child I imagined.  I hope and pray that you look back on this time – and all of the times after – and that you’re proud of your momma.  And happy.  If you’re happy, then I will be too.

With so much love,

Mommy

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6 Comments

Filed under Smudge

6 responses to “An Open Letter

  1. Oh, darlin’, do I love you so.

    *fierce hugs*

  2. Sultana

    He will be wonderful and happy and so will YOUUUU! The first week is hard but you couldn’t ask for a better situation! Hugs. xoxo

    • Thanks, love. I’ll never forget the letter that you wrote to Ava before you went back to work. I knew I’d never quite get to where you were mentally and emotionally at that time – but I think I’m making peace with it.

  3. Kathryn

    I will be thinking of you this weekend and Monday. It will be hard, but you and MC will really be OK. I remember how hard this was and you’re right, on some level it feels like being OK w/ working is some kind of betrayal, but on the other hand, being an unhappy frustrated parent is just another kind of betrayal. The best gift you can give is to be a peaceful, happy, content mother. Hugs

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